Holy Helicopter

It was around 6 a.m. on a beautiful Thursday morning. The sun had just risen and the view was stunning. I couldn't have asked for a more peaceful way to start my day. As I sat at an empty table at Ned's, I peered out to the ocean and focused in on what appeared to be a stumbling drunk man trying to get the front door open. This man, whom I assumed to be homeless by the looks of him, ended up being a regular named "Frank." Yeah, we'll just call him Frank. And in that instant when Frank stumbled into my perfect morning view, I knew that this was just the beginning of a weird day and the very ending of my so called "peaceful" morning at Ned's.

So as I watched "Frank" struggle with the door, my busboy came over and tried to intercept the situation before it got messier than Frank's getup. He (the busboy) wasn't successful. Frank managed to barge in and slam right into a nearby table while simultaneously and unintentionally squishing the busboy behind the door.

Frank-1: busboy-0

Frank then staggered in my direction and muttered something about wanting to eat some "Pegs and Roast", which I assumed translated to "Egg's and toast." The busboy then came over and tried to make Frank leave (apparently he had been kicked out the previous day), but good ole Frank wasn't having it. He wanted his damn "Pegs and Roast", for cryin out loud!

So after about two minutes of slobbery deliberation, Frank was granted his "Pegs and Roast", just this one last time.

Frank-2 : busboy-0

Frank eventually sat down (right next to me) and began to stuff his face. And while doing so, Frank made strange grunting and humming noises. Oh, and did I mention that Frank smelled of liquor, body odor and grandma perfume? Well he did. And on top of his refreshingly hungover scent, he wore a blood stained white collar dress shirt, his shoes were unlaced, and his hair (or what was left of it), was a mess. Frank was quite the sight. Just what every woman wishes she sees first thing in the morning, right? As a matter of fact, I couldn't justify what I was seeing before my eyes, it was too friggin' early for that kind of crap. I decided to roll with it. Besides, Frank seemed to have mellowed out now that he was granted his one last meal. No one was going to get hurt, at least for the moment anyways...

I couldn't take the noise (coming from Frank) or the smell (of Frank) anymore, so I decided to get up from my table and do some work behind the counter (which was far from Frank). And while Frank worked on his meal I figured it was the perfect time to get away without him noticing. I was very wrong. Frank must have had some drunken radar that specifically zeroed in on me. I mean the man could not take a hint. But I guess he was drunk and apparently drunk people (named Frank), don't take hints.

Frank stood up from his unfinished breakfast, crumbs of toast were all over his mouth and other various parts of his face, and ketchup soiled his already blood stained shirt.

He then walked right over to me and said "Hey, have you ever heard of the band called "Cheap Trick?" His stale breath surrounded all of my personal spaces. Gross. "Yeah", I said, "I know Cheap Trick. They're cool."

"Oh, they're soooo old, but they're cool and old, like me. And they sing a song that I want to dedicate to you and I am going to sing it to you right now. Tell me if you've heard of it, okay?"

"Ummm yeah, okay, I said." I looked beyond him and caught a quick glance at the handful of customers in Ned's. I noticed all eyes were on me and I automatically regretted looking. And Frank began to sing.

"I'd love you to love meeeee. I neeeed yoouuu to want meee. I'd love it if you'd looove meee." Oh, pleaseeee wont you loove meeee."

Oh good god. It was horrific and he clearly butchered the song.

"Yeah, I know that song. It's a nice umm, song." Oh did I hope he was finished.

And then he told me how even though he was old and cool, he could still dance like he was young and that he specialized in particular dance called "The Helicopter." I said a silent prayer to God and asked him to please make this man stop. Please, please don't let him show me this helicopter crap, I begged.

"Lemme show you how I can still dance. I am old but don't let it fool you. I'm damn good at "The Helicopter." He then showed me how you have to wind up to get in the perfect helicopter spin and then leap in the air at just the right moment before you then unwind in the opposite direction.
"Please don't hurt yourself or anyone else, I said. And be careful not to hit the tables."

"Oh, I wont, cuz I'm really good at it."

He wasn't. He fell and dramatically knocked over an entire table and several chairs, and hit his head on the way down. The sound of crickets echoed throughout Ned's as Frank laid silently on the ground. Needless to say his helicopter days were long behind him.

After Frank sobbed to me about his woes and confessed his love for me, I finally was able to escort him out of the restaurant, peacefully. And apparently after he left someone called the police on him and he was arrested for giving "The bird" to some people and being an all around public nuisance. Yep, just another day in the office for me. And that's all folks!